This working woman's lot is not a happy one

I feel worn out.  It's not tiredness - as in could fall asleep anywhere.  It's a total loss of energy/go/drive (call it what you will).  Let me give you a bit of history to help put it all in context.

 I last worked outside the home full-time in June 1991, which is when I quit to be A's company secretary - aka money for nothing much.  Since then I have done the full-time housewife/mother routine, and let no one tell you that it is the easy option.  You work just as hard but don't get paid.  Then in April 2004 I started home educating D and we were joined, in October 2005, by K.  Our life had a certain routine - certain activities happened on certain days, etc.  Then in September 2009 I had no kids 'at home'.  They were both at college.  I was left to find a new role.  I dabbled at finding a job but my heart wasn't really in it.  A couple of friends suggested I take up a local job agency's advert for exam invigilators.  After all, I was doing it for free for the local home education group.  This led to odd days of basic admin work.  Then, the NHS job came along.

I was originally sent in for 3 hours a day for 3 days.  No problem.  The money wasn't as much as I'd earned previously but it would be a new experience.  That was in early February this year and I'm STILL there, doing 4 full days per week (the 5th day being at college doing AAT).  Suddenly I had to find time to do the housewife/mother stuff.  The kids are helpful but pretty much only when told what needs to be done.  And, for the most part, the same can be said about A.  Admittedly he's finally worked out how to use the washing machine - assuming he remembers to do any - but he's never voluntarily dusted or hoovered (dust allergy so unfair to expect it), cleaned the bathroom, ironed, taken on the weekly shop (unless I am not in a fit state, when I usually go for a delivery service), made sure the kids are doing their chores properly (ok, maybe occasionally but usually when I have nagged him to make an effort); and hardly ever worried about things like making sure we are ready for Christmas, birthdays, etc.

Some people were quick to point out that he works SO hard and I (until February) was at home all day, so therefore it was my job to do all that.  And I did it all with barely a moan.  But now I WORK TOO.  And to be honest it just feels like if I don't ask someone to do something then no-one else but me can see it needs to be done.

In recent times (the past few years) I have been having a few issues with my memory and processing - things  slipping my mind, and using the wrong word or getting them the wrong way round - and things have been getting worse in the past year or so.  Stress seems to make it worse.  I've had a few stressors at work lately.  A suggests that if work is getting me like that I should quit.  Now, I know he means that exactly as he says it, but there is a part of me that wonders if his subconscious would then feel less guilty about relying on me to remember everything/notice everything that needs doing.  He'd deny it, and I'd feel bad about accusing him of this; honest, it's just me feeling a misery guts.  A has never been any good at remembering things.  I know that but my issues are getting to the stage where I can't be trusted either, and I can feel myself getting more worked up trying to make sure that I don't forget things (because A is bloody useless at it).

Hands up who can see who's going to deal with the lion's share (or even all of it) of when FIL moves down here.  And keep those hands up if you think that, whilst I'm up in Nottingham sorting that end out, bugger all housework-type stuff gets done down here.

Good things come to those who wait

Today, amongst other things, I decided to make a start on 12 gallons of home-made wine.  That's right, 72 bottles of the stuff for less than £20.  I didn't have enough demi-johns to put all 12 on at once but figured I could get 6 under way.  I started 4 gallons about a year ago and kind of fell out of love with the whole idea so left them to their own devices.  Today, two of them had no water in their airlocks - important for keeping the air out and stopping the contents turning to vinegar (wine + oxygen = vinegar).  So imagine my suprise when all 4 gallons are perfectly palatable!  They do need racking (filtering) off their sediments and leaving to settle for a few weeks, then bottling and leaving to settle for another week or three.  Should be ready for drinking by end of June.

The ones I started today are 'quick' brews, meaning about 8 weeks from start to finish.  So I should have at least 35 bottles to see me through July/August.  I will have to get some more demi-johns to make a start on the remaining cartons of fruit juice.  A friend has a birthday in mid-August and I have been asked to provide the booze!

Between a rock and a hard place

Please bear in mind that I have a cold and am feeling less than 100%, and the knock-on effect on my ability to ignore/dismiss annoying people.

There is someone at work who is getting on my nerves.  This has been getting worse over the past week (which is roughly how long I have been coming down with/suffering from this cold).  She is constantly whinging about how she doesn't like her job now her team have merged with ours; this, that or the other isn't right; doesn't like all the phone answering/door buzzer answering/myriad other things that interfere with her ability to concentrate on what she has to do.  However, she doesn't whinge when the current acting Admin Co-ordinator is in the office.  She, and her colleague from the same previous office, can't cope with all this so when they have something that requires total concentration they go off to a different office for some peace and quiet. 

Now yes, to a point, I can understand it BUT not for one second does she consider that we others are in the same boat (and by buggering off like that our disturbances are increased).  There have been times that I have been doing something that I could really do without having to deal with incoming phone calls.  Does that count?  Does it hell!  I still have to deal with them and then try to re-focus on what I'm doing.

This morning I was doing something clerical with some client files and she knew I wasn't at my best.  However she was far too busy whinging to her colleague about how she hates her job now and doesn't want to come in (interspersed with actually doing her work), whilst I was answering the phone, taking messages AND e-mailing said messages to the correct recipients, all the while with a client's file 'in bits' all over my desk (burying my keyboard/mouse/pen/paper to boot).  Let's just say that by lunchtime I had had enough, burst into tears, played on feeling rotten and asked to come home.  We all have gripes about the 'new order'.  It doesn't help when the senior manager keeps taking systems that work and making changes, without considering the knock-on effect to our workloads.  If I'm honest my workload is the least hectic - it has its moments though - as I am not fully trained on all the in-house systems and therefore cannot do some of their work for them.  Plus my primary role is as phone answerer.  But I have just about had enough of keeping my mouth shut when she starts her whining.

I really don't want to go back there, purely because of this.  Yet it looks so much better when applying for jobs if you already have one than if you are unemployed, so I don't want to quit.  It's a temp position which will last for who knows how much longer and I'd really like to see it through to its conclusion if I don't land a permanent role elsewhere first.

So, do I stay and try my best not to blow a fuse big-time or do I walk and, although still with my temp agency, deal with maybe being between positions when applying for jobs.  I don't like the idea of walking as it can be seen to be taking the easy way out, plus what do you say when asked at interview, but it's playing havoc with my nerves.