I feel worn out. It's not tiredness - as in could fall asleep anywhere. It's a total loss of energy/go/drive (call it what you will). Let me give you a bit of history to help put it all in context.
I last worked outside the home full-time in June 1991, which is when I quit to be A's company secretary - aka money for nothing much. Since then I have done the full-time housewife/mother routine, and let no one tell you that it is the easy option. You work just as hard but don't get paid. Then in April 2004 I started home educating D and we were joined, in October 2005, by K. Our life had a certain routine - certain activities happened on certain days, etc. Then in September 2009 I had no kids 'at home'. They were both at college. I was left to find a new role. I dabbled at finding a job but my heart wasn't really in it. A couple of friends suggested I take up a local job agency's advert for exam invigilators. After all, I was doing it for free for the local home education group. This led to odd days of basic admin work. Then, the NHS job came along.
I was originally sent in for 3 hours a day for 3 days. No problem. The money wasn't as much as I'd earned previously but it would be a new experience. That was in early February this year and I'm STILL there, doing 4 full days per week (the 5th day being at college doing AAT). Suddenly I had to find time to do the housewife/mother stuff. The kids are helpful but pretty much only when told what needs to be done. And, for the most part, the same can be said about A. Admittedly he's finally worked out how to use the washing machine - assuming he remembers to do any - but he's never voluntarily dusted or hoovered (dust allergy so unfair to expect it), cleaned the bathroom, ironed, taken on the weekly shop (unless I am not in a fit state, when I usually go for a delivery service), made sure the kids are doing their chores properly (ok, maybe occasionally but usually when I have nagged him to make an effort); and hardly ever worried about things like making sure we are ready for Christmas, birthdays, etc.
Some people were quick to point out that he works SO hard and I (until February) was at home all day, so therefore it was my job to do all that. And I did it all with barely a moan. But now I WORK TOO. And to be honest it just feels like if I don't ask someone to do something then no-one else but me can see it needs to be done.
In recent times (the past few years) I have been having a few issues with my memory and processing - things slipping my mind, and using the wrong word or getting them the wrong way round - and things have been getting worse in the past year or so. Stress seems to make it worse. I've had a few stressors at work lately. A suggests that if work is getting me like that I should quit. Now, I know he means that exactly as he says it, but there is a part of me that wonders if his subconscious would then feel less guilty about relying on me to remember everything/notice everything that needs doing. He'd deny it, and I'd feel bad about accusing him of this; honest, it's just me feeling a misery guts. A has never been any good at remembering things. I know that but my issues are getting to the stage where I can't be trusted either, and I can feel myself getting more worked up trying to make sure that I don't forget things (because A is bloody useless at it).
Hands up who can see who's going to deal with the lion's share (or even all of it) of when FIL moves down here. And keep those hands up if you think that, whilst I'm up in Nottingham sorting that end out, bugger all housework-type stuff gets done down here.
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